Another 31 day cycle came and went and in a way, it gets easier because you just get use to another month going by and no good news.
I felt lousy in the days leading up to the arrival of my period, complete with nausea, moodiness, cramping and a restless night of sleep. But, as always, I held out hope until the bitter end.
When it was officially over, I felt sort of numb and haven’t really even thought much about it since. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, maybe it’s a way of repressing emotions–I don’t know.
Again, near the end, I was in hell, wondering if I was PMS-ing or experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. Like always, you hope, hope, HOPE you’re pregnant but feel like you’re probably not. You know realistically that the odds are not in your favor. That’s why every positive test I’ve ever had has been such a shock–you really cannot believe that it’s positive, because deep down, you just can’t believe it’s real–until it’s real. Every time, it has taken some getting use to.
I know God withholds nothing good so I have to accept that, for whatever reason, it isn’t good yet.
The “feeling lousy” part makes me wonder if perhaps I’m not healthy enough to carry a healthy baby at this point. I am almost 36, I don’t exercise and I could use to lose a good 5-10 lbs. I probably need to cut back on more activities, practice resting and eat a more nutritious diet. So I’m taking the “no” as a chance to get healthier, find more balance and truly prepare for the implications of adding another child to our family.
It’s daunting, at best. And of course I wonder if this really is the right thing for us and if I really want to do the whole new baby thing all over again.
I’ve had these thought before and then every time I reach my fertile phase again, I’m ready to give it another try. We’ll see what happens this time, a year after we started “trying.” Yes, my hopes will be up. Again.